


Sirius

by starknight



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depression, Existentialism, M/M, Marauders' Era, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:45:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6322684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starknight/pseuds/starknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't want to give too much away... it's just sadness on a page. Sirius is gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirius

You’re somewhere up there.

 

Gently shining, twinkling, along with the rest. Invisible. No, obscured.

 

Maybe you’re that really bright one, Sirius, right there for anyone and everyone to see. Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you. A luminosity to surpass. Shining out just like you always did anywhere.

 

What the hell am I doing here? You wouldn’t have wanted this. You’re shining away up there, Sirius, a beacon of light, a tangible handhold for me to cling to. But I don’t want to; can’t you see that? I don’t want to be strong anymore, to be an example, to have to hold up my own limbs, my own life. You didn’t. And you wouldn’t.

 

Maybe you were weak. And maybe I should be strong. Prove that tragedy isn’t finality. But God, this feels strong. Like I could fly, off the cliff, into the night. Jump and soar and join you in the sky. Sirius has a companion star, right? Sirius A and B. That’s ironic. I was never as bright as you, I never did shine quite the same. It sounds stupid, but my life did revolve around yours, as yours did mine. Together. Forever.

 

People keep on saying what a waste. A waste of potential. You had that, didn’t you, enough to make a proper difference. You know how rare that is?

 

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted. Where did you go? That star, it could really be you, Sirius. It’s putting on a display, all your potential energy, going to waste as a sodding little speck of light.

 

I have potential too, you know. I could be great. I could make a difference. But I won’t, not now. I won’t fly, I won’t shine. I’ll never make it to Sirius any other way. I wonder if you knew what would happen. What you’d do to me.

 

You’ve wasted me.

 

I was more with you, energy impossibly created together. I wasn’t just that kind of whatever, okay, pretty smart, sort of interesting person any more. I felt like something, someone. You called me beautiful once. I felt it.

 

Sirius A, all the way. You were beautiful. Funny to think (ha). You died, I didn’t. Maybe that’s why I have to do this. There’s this terrible inequality, a misbalance, and if I go, it’ll fix everything. I have to be cancelled out. Back to dust, Sirius B.

 

How could you do that to me? You won’t shine any brighter now. You’re stopped like a flask in memory. You will fade from me. You will be forgotten. One day, there could be a time when I won’t wake up and think of you and your stupid hair. One day.

 

Loving you is like loving the sky. Always beneath you, looking up. Yes, I loved you. I still do. You’re just colder now. Distant. Unattainable. So out of my league, I don’t even.

 

That makes me smile. I miss you. It’s the happiness that kills me. Happiness no longer. Now I’ll never know. Maybe it could have happened. We were best friends, right? But I don’t think there’s a word for what we were, that moment, somewhere in between. That’s it. In between.

 

Almost sounds like a bloody romance.

 

Well, it won’t be.

 

Will it.

 

Not now.

 

Not ever.

 

Do you remember how beautiful time used to be? Laughing, skipping, tossed and tumbled hair, run down the corridor, slip slide over, collapse. Laugh until our lungs hurt. My lungs hurt. The stars are all merging. I can’t see you.

 

I could have dealt with my heart so long as you stayed.

 

A cloud. Sirius? Gone. That hurts. I’d like to see you while I die. A privilege you didn’t allow yourself. I could have been there, held you. I know, I would have stopped you; there is no world in which I could be at peace while your eyes faded from me. But I still wish it.

 

I’m still not sure why. I missed something, and you got caught up, and then you were gone. I don’t want to think about it, because what if I could have saved you? And I didn’t. Stop. Stop everything, Sirius. Like you did.

 

I’ll do it for you; neither of us should go through it alone. We’ll be together.

 

Come back.

 

Miss you.

 

Love you.

 

Sirius back now, cloud gone. Look.

 

Falling for you


End file.
